First comes love...

Marriage can be tough. REALLY tough. Don't get me wrong, it can be equally as amazing and rewarding, but it requires constant work, adjustment, growth and compromise. Men and women are very different. Marriage is the union of two people who think differently and enjoy different things. Many of the things that cause us to disagree are the very things which first attracted us to each other. We don't want to change the other person, we just want to help the other one grow, right? We were each created for our own journey, given talents and traits meant to aid us in serving our purpose. But those talents and traits can easily be misunderstood and misused if we aren't actively seeking Gods will for our lives.

Marriage consists of two sinful creatures attempting to function as one unit. We are human and, if you are anything like my husband and I, we fail often. We are selfish. We hurt each other. We fight unfairly. We don't communicate our needs or show our appreciation. But at the end of the day our intentions are good and we wouldn't want to do life with any one else. We want to do more than just make it work, we want to thrive as a couple. We want to be an example of what Gods love for the church looks like. We want to change the world and those around us for the better. One day we want to be one of those old couples you see from time to time that is still dating each other, laughing together, holding hands and kissing. 

A healthy marriage requires a strong foundation of the right components. If you have too much or too little of any one thing, you will eventually see the cracks forming. If you ignore the cracks, they won't just go away. They will get worse until your relationship caves in. First, of course is God and then your spouse, but you also need family, friends and accountability partners to go to for advice, support and prayer. Unbiased outsiders can listen, watch and give feedback on the things they see that we cannot see in the thick of it all. It's important to have people with the same beliefs and goals as you and your spouse, even some who are beyond you in life that you look up to and would like to model your life after. Without these things, when the going gets tough it may seem easier just to leave. It may seem worse than it really is if you don't have a support system in place. Trust me on this, we are having to learn the hard way. 

Most importantly, just love each other. REALLY love each other. Not just with romantic love, although that also helps sometimes, even when we don't feel like it. Love each other with Godly love (click here to read about Godly love). If you've got love, there's a good chance you will make it through whatever you are facing. We may have many sins, but we have even more love. Love is our saving grace.

From the outside.

Funny thing, how we cannot see ourselves from the outside the way that others see us. Sure, we have mirrors, photos and videos but they don't quite capture the essence of who we really are, do they? They only give us a small glimpse of how we appear. They don't show our quirkiness, our funny little mannerisms, our true beauty or the special little things that those closest to us have come to love. They don't show our inner scars, our trials behind the scenes, our insecurities, those things by which we are often judged and misunderstood.

On the flip side, though we will never fully know how we appear on the outside, no one else will ever know exactly how we tick on the inside. What we think about, why we do the things we do... Those are between us and God.

I often wonder how I appear and what others think of me. At times, this wondering has caused me such anxiety that it crippled me. I have been so consumed with what others are thinking of me that I couldn't think of anything else. I couldn't even listen to what they were saying. My mother in law, who I have come to cherish more than any other woman in this world, once pointed out to me that being so consumed with those thoughts is selfish. And she couldn't be more correct. In worrying about what another person thinks of me, I am really just thinking of myself. Which is the opposite of what I want to be doing, right? Right.

We are called to be free from the thoughts, patterns and chains of this world.  If I am consumed by what others think of me, I am enslaved by that. I am a slave to what I think they MAY think of me. {It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Galatians 5:1} God wants more for and from my life.

We as Christians are called to be set apart. {My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world. John 17:15-18} Our desire should not be to leave this world nor to conform to it's ways, but rather have our eyes and hearts so set on God and His will for us that all we do shows and encompasses that no matter where we are.

So, if I am overly concerned with how I "appear" to others then where are my thoughts on how I am living for God? If I am focused solely on living a life sanctified in truth then all the rest should fall in place. If I know what God wants of me, then there should be no anxiety because the decisions and actions I make will be no brainers. The inside and outside should be so consistent that there is no room for question as to who I am living for. {Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2}

This... This is what I desire. To live a life not for outward appearances or for inward thoughts, but for heavenly things. Not to strive to be pleasing to the world, but to be pleasing to my Creator.

Live like there's no tomorrow.

We didn't find out much yesterday, other than that the lump on Matt's leg is not from an injury, but is some sort of tumor. That doesn't mean it is cancer, but it also doesn't rule it out. We saw one of the best doctors in the world for Sarcoma and he assured us that we are in good hands. I believe that and couldn't be more thankful. The next step will be an MRI with contrast. We are praying he will be able to get in for that before the work week ends. Depending on those results, the next step would be a biopsy.

So, for now, the waiting continues. We are taking everything as it comes. We know that God has us in His hands and that this is just another part of our journey. We pray that God will use us and this season to bring Him glory, to teach and strengthen us, and to bring others closer to Him.

I can already see God working in our lives, opening our eyes to things that we have never been aware of, revealing areas that need improvement. As mentioned in my previous post, for several months I have been feeling called to serve others more, to live intentionally. About a month ago, my church started a study in our life groups called "Interrupted", which is geared around shifting focus from self to others. The study has lined up perfectly with convictions I was already having. Now, I am praying for God to help me see the life changes that need to be made so that those things are not just something I'd like to do, but a priority, a habit in our daily living.

Being at MD Anderson yesterday, just being in the presence of so many hurting people solidified that calling for me. My heart ached for each and everyone of them. Not in the way that it use to... feeling sorry for people when in their presence, then carrying on with my own life without a second thought. I wanted to talk to them, to know their story, to hug them. When I left, I saw their faces in my head, I prayed for them and felt compelled to help some how.

If I wait for the 'right' time, when will I begin? If I wait for an obvious need to appear, how many opportunities to serve someone else will be missed? We aren't guaranteed tomorrow, so why not today?

"Jesus went through all the towns and villages, teaching in their synagogues, proclaiming the good news of the kingdom and healing every disease and sickness. When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then he said to his disciples, "The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field." Matthew 9:35-38 (NIV)

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. \\ Albert Einstein

We live in a culture of self satisfaction and instant gratification. So many things that we may want or need can be at our finger tips within minutes, sometimes seconds. We indulge ourselves... In shopping, work, food, social networking, whatever it may be that feels good. We are constantly bombarded with "get rich quick" and "lose weight fast" ads. We want the end result, but rarely wish to wait or put in the work for it.

Even in our salvation.

I have heard things said such as "God wants me to be happy". I have even said something similar, or at least thought it, many times. I am guilty of buying into the lie that God wants me to walk around getting my way and indulging in my every whim. We all deserve happiness, right? Well, yes. The issue is Gods version of happiness doesn't line up with our cultures self seeking version.

I'll admit, buying a new shirt can feel pretty awesome, especially when I paid $5 for it on clearance or at the thrift shop. In those instances, I can even convince myself that it was a good deed since I was so "thrifty". Going out to a fun place for lunch can turn my whole day around. But what about the next day? I am usually right back to wanting to do it all over again.

Unsatisfied.

And that is where all things of this world will leave us. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying taking your job seriously is a problem. I'm not saying you shouldn't buy clothes or eat out with a friend. It's when those things become an idol that the real trouble begins. You may not see it as an idol, but when it distracts from God, that's exactly what it is. When you find yourself seeking those things before Gods will and expecting some sort of gratification to come from them, you are placing those things on a pedestal that belongs only to God.

When I have expectations of my husband and he doesn't meet them... Unsatisfied. When I pin ideas for our next home project and I begin to be unhappy with its current state... Unsatisfied. The list goes on.

The problem is that I am expecting Godly results from ungodly things. I am expecting to be satisfied with things that don't even have the ability to do so.

When I feel a fire burning inside of me to use my talents to glorify God, to minister, to serve, yet I continue on in my every day life just the same as the day before...

I am expecting to suddenly be a difference maker. I want the reward, the fulfillment, but without the work. Without the effort. With the sacrifice and total life change.


So, how do I begin to not only feel but act on my convictions? Right now, I'm not sure. I have failed at it for years. What I do know is that God sees my heart and has the ability to change it. I also know that I am eager to learn and I am ready to accept all that comes with the prayer of life change. Not just the good, but the bad, the dirty, the angry, the ugly. I'm ready to start the journey.

"What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

But someone will say, “You have faith; I have deeds.”

Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by my deeds. You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder.

You foolish person, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless? Was not our father Abraham considered righteous for what he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did. And the scripture was fulfilled that says, “Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness,” and he was called God’s friend. You see that a person is considered righteous by what they do and not by faith alone.

In the same way, was not even Rahab the prostitute considered righteous for what she did when she gave lodging to the spies and sent them off in a different direction? As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead." James 2:14-26